


the sound of your barely beating heart

by magnificentbanes



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, because he has more people who love him than he thinks, but my heart is heavy and i can't, i usually try to end my stories on a happy note, other people comforting alec, so this one is more bittersweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-25 20:53:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18269153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnificentbanes/pseuds/magnificentbanes
Summary: Alec hasn't moved in days. He can't - not when Magnus is lying half dead in an infirmary bed and Alec has no idea when he'll wake up.orthe one where alec gets a lot of visitors





	the sound of your barely beating heart

**Author's Note:**

> title from "find you" by ruelle

The first person to visit was Izzy.

Alec didn’t even flinch when she touched his shoulder. He didn’t take his eyes off of Magnus, hand clasped between both of his own, not moving from the position he’d taken up two days ago when they’d set Magnus up in the Institute’s infirmary.

“Alec…”

“Save it, Iz. I’m not going anywhere.”

Izzy crossed the room and took the seat on the other side of Magnus’s bed. “You can’t keep doing this. It’s not fair to either of you.”

“ _ Fair _ ? What part of any of this is fair?” Alec shook his head, willing the tears away. He wasn’t going to cry in front of other people, not even his own sister. “I’m sorry, this isn’t your fault. I just - I don’t know what to do.” He put his head down, closing his eyes, trying to block out the world.

“He’s going to be okay.”

Alec raised his head and saw that tears were welling up in his sister’s eyes. “You don’t know that. Catarina said -”

“Then she’s wrong. Because Magnus  _ is  _ going to be okay.” She wiped at her eyes and then said, “Magnus loves you so much. He wouldn’t just leave you. He’s gonna come back, Alec.”

Alec didn’t say anything, fearing that his voice would betray him, but neither of them needed him to speak. Over the years, they had gotten accustomed to comforting each other in silence, with only light touches or small glances. And that’s how they sat for over an hour, no sound in the room but their breath and the beep of the machines that let Alec know Magnus was still alive.

It was exactly what he needed in the moment.

When Izzy left to go check on the Institute (which she had expressly forbidden Alec from thinking about) Alec still hadn’t moved, nor had he agreed to eat or sleep, but he felt a little better. He clung tighter to Magnus’s hand, warm only from Alec’s own body heat, replaying Izzy’s words over and over like a mantra.

_ He’s gonna come back. _

He had to.

\----

The next person to visit was Simon, of all people.

“Did Izzy send you to check on me?” Alec asked.

“Uh...no. I just wanted to see Magnus. If - if that’s okay with you, of course. If it’s not, I can leave. Just say the word and I’m gone.”

“Simon, you’re rambling.”

“Right. Sorry.”

“And I’m not going to stop anyone from being here if they want to be here.”

“Oh, okay. Cool.” Simon sat in the chair that Izzy had sat in a few hours earlier, but Alec knew better than to expect that this would be a silent visit. “Magnus is a really good guy. Which, of course, you already know but, like.” Simon paused, as if the words were caught in his throat. “I don’t know if you know how the other Downworlders talk about him.” Alec had to admit that, aside from Magnus’s close friends, he didn’t. “He’s helped a lot of us. Like me and Luke and Raphael and, like, so many other people. He’s, like, New York’s Downworld dad.”

Alec knew that Magnus liked to take in Downworlders with nowhere else to go, but he’d never known of the exact scope of his impact. The vice around his heart tightened with the knowledge that he wasn’t the only person missing Magnus’s presence. “Thank you, Simon.”

“And I don’t know if Magnus is particularly religious, but I’ve been praying for him. I would go to temple, but…”

“Vampire, yeah.” Even growing up with the knowledge that angels were more than legends, even with angel blood in his veins, Alec had never really subscribed to the mundane concept of religion. He tended to believe in more concrete things - himself, his family, Magnus. But he would never begrudge anyone their beliefs, nor would he tell them how to express their grief.

Thank you, Simon,” he said again. 

Simon stayed with him a little while longer, talking about what seemed to be every thought that crossed his mind, and by the time he left, Alec realized that not once in the entire time Simon was there, had he worried about Magnus.

Maybe, after this was all over, he would get to know Simon Lewis a little better.

Maybe.

\----

Clary, Jace, Maia, and Luke all stopped by at different points but none stayed long. Alec didn’t blame them - the atmosphere of the room was depressing and he could feel the toll it was taking on his mental health. When this was all over, he was going to take a few days off and take a very long nap in whichever apartment Magnus picked out for them.

\----

The next person to stay longer than ten minutes was Underhill.

“Hey, boss. How you holding up?”

“Have to admit, I’ve definitely had better days.” Underhill laughed and, despite how much he didn’t want to, Alec felt himself smiling. “Is something wrong with the Institute?”

“Well, even if there was, I wouldn’t be telling you. We are all under strict orders from your sister to not bother you with any business.”

“Of course you are.”

“But, no. I just wanted to check up on you, make sure you’re okay, see if you need anything.”

“I’m fine.” It was a lie, he was far from fine, but it was the safest answer. “Thank you.” He saw Underhill start to leave, so he said, “You can stay for a little while if you want.”

“I don’t want to impose.”

“You’re my friend, it’s fine. Besides, I’m pretty sure if Magnus was awake, he would tell me he’s sick of my voice by now.”

“I somehow seriously doubt that.”

Alec realized, once Underhill sat down, that he didn’t know how to have a real friend. The last time he’d talked to Underhill, he’d been less than sober and all of his other friends were either related to him or dating people related to him. “Uh…”

“If this is weird, I can leave.”

“No, it’s not… I’ve just never really had a friend before.”

“I can’t imagine it’s easy growing up in an Institute. Especially if you’re also a Lightwood.”

“Yeah,” Alec agreed. “It’s not great.” Then, in an attempt to drive the conversation away from heavy topics, he said, “He’s going to absolutely kill me for telling you this, but Magnus was jealous of you.”

Underhill’s eyes widened in shock. “Magnus was...jealous? Of  _ me _ ?”

For the first time in way too long, Alec laughed. “He’ll never admit it, but yes.”

“But  _ why _ ?” I mean...he owns a mirror, right? He’s seen his own face?” Alec shrugged, laughing. Underhill shifted in his seat and Alec could feel the shift in the atmosphere. “Look, Alec, I’m really sorry that this happened and I just want you to know that if there’s anything you need, I’m here for you. I know not everyone understands you and Magnus, but I do and I’ll do whatever I can to help.”

Alec wiped at his eyes roughly with his free hand. He  _ definitely  _ didn’t know Underhill enough to cry in front of him. “Thank you.”

Underhill then asked him what Magnus was like outside of the Institute and Alec was more than happy to talk about him. It felt really good to have a friend.

\----

The last person to visit was the one Alec didn’t even know he needed.

“How is he?”

Alec’s head shot up. “Mom? How did you -”

“Luke told me.” The little smile on his mother’s face when she said Luke’s name was something that Alec would be discussing with her after this was all over. 

“I, uh, I’ll leave you two alone,” Underhill said, standing. “Nice to see you, Mrs. Lightwood.”

“Please call me Maryse.” When he was gone, Maryse came and put her hand on Alec’s head, smoothing down his hair the way she used to when he was little. Though, unlike when he was little, he didn’t try and stop her. “When was the last time you slept?”

“I don’t know. Maybe...two days ago?”

“Alec…”

“Mom, if you’re just here to lecture me, you can leave.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry. So, how is he?”

“Catarina said that his body is rejecting Lorenzo’s magic. So right now, it’s mostly just waiting to see if his body or the magic wins.” He closed his eyes and let his head hang. This was the first time he had admitted out loud that Magnus might not wake up, that he might -

“He’s not going to die, Alec.”

“You don’t know that.” Maryse didn’t say anything, just continued to stroke Alec’s hair. “You know what the last thing Magnus said to me was?”

“No, what?”

“He told me he loved me. But I -” Alec took a deep, shuddering breath, knowing that once he said it out loud, there was no going back. “I didn’t get to say it back. What if I don’t ever get to?”

“You will. I promise you, you will.”

For the first time in God knows how long, Alec dropped Magnus’s hand and turned his body, allowing his mother to gather him in a hug, just like she used to do when he was little. He hadn’t needed this in a very long time, but right now, he just needed his mom to hold him and tell him everything was going to be okay. Even if it wasn’t. “I need him, Mom. He can’t die.”

“He won’t. I promise.”

It was then that Alec finally allowed himself to cry.

\----

When everyone else had left and gone on with their lives, Alec sat in the same position, holding his entire life in his hands, terrified to let go. It was dark, probably sometime past midnight, and Alec could feel the weight of exhaustion on his body, but he refused to sleep.

“I need you to wake up, Magnus. Please.”

Nothing.

“There are so many people who need you. Cat and Madzie. Simon. Maia.  _ I  _ need you so much. I’m not done loving you yet, please come back to me.”

Still nothing.

“When you wake up, I’m going to ask you to marry me. If you think it’s too soon and you don’t want to say yes right now, that’s okay, but I’m gonna ask you, all right? I just. I need you to know how much I love you, Magnus. Because I love you so much and I will do anything to get you back.”

Magnus still said nothing, but the beep of his monitors told Alec that he was still alive and, for now, that would have to be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on tumblr: magnificentbane!


End file.
